by Sarah Morgan, author of One Night….Nine-Month Scandal (Harlequin Presents, September 2010)
What would you find hard to forgive in a relationship? (Just for now let’s exclude minor crimes such as hoarding the remote control and not knowing the location of the washing machine)
In my latest release, One Night….Nine-Month Scandal, my heroine Kelly has a difficult decision to make – whether or not to resurrect a relationship with a man who failed to turn up on their wedding day.
Would you forgive him? On the face of it, I’m not sure I would. Not if you present me with just the bare facts and no more. After all, what’s to stop him changing his mind again? But we writers know that behind every ‘what’ (not turning up on the wedding day) is a ‘why’ (the reason he didn’t) and sometimes the ‘why’ can change the way you view the ‘what’.
In this case, Alekos didn’t leave her on their wedding day because he wanted to hurt her or because anyone else was involved – he left because he was in a state of panic, which is quite something for an alpha male accustomed to being in control of every aspect of his life. He left because he was scared – something else that’s hard for him to admit because in every other way he’s a strong, powerful man. Kelly is no doormat, so to forgive his actions she first has to understand them and, in order to convince Kelly to trust him again, Alekos has to understand her.
Sometimes when we watch other people making what we consider to be questionable decisions we wince and think they’re clearly deranged/ drunk/delusional – but unless we’re in their shoes, living their life, can we really understand what motivated them to make that decision? It’s all about the ‘why’.
I’d love to know what you think. Do you think the reasons behind someone’s actions can sometimes make that action easier to forgive?
Love
Sarah
I’ve got to say that being left standing at the altar is a tough one to come back from, Sarah, and I think you’ve handled this terrifically in One Night…Nine Month Scandal. I totally agree that it’s all about the “why”. Countless times I find myself leaping to judgement on something, saying: “Well, I wouldn’t forgive that!” but without the whole story how can you tell? I read a great list of relationship dealbreakers recently. They ranged from someone who is jealous, possessive and doesn’t trust you, to someone who puts ketchup on their eggs!
Hi Sarah!
Oh, being left at the altar? I don’t know if I could forgive that AND give him a second chance! But I would still want to know why, whether I could forgive or not, even if just for closure.
Cheating though, I don’t think I could ever forgive in a relationship. I doubt I would ever trust him again.
But still, I’ve been lucky enough not to have been in either situation to test that out!
~Amy
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Yes, I think knowing why is very important if there is to be a chance of moving on with the relationship – it can help to re-establish trust. But I don’t think forgiveness necessarily means continuing the relationship. You can forgive someone – not hold any anger or hard feelings against them – but still decide that they are not the person you want to be with any more.
Nicola, I leap to judgement too, but these days I’m trying to take a deep breath and think more about the ‘why’ behind people’s actions. Glad you enjoyed the book!
Amy, I completely agree. I don’t think I’d be able to forgive cheating either.
Ros, that’s a really good point – you can forgive, without necessarily wanting to continue the relationship. I think Kelly comes close to that a few times in the story when Alekos keeps getting it wrong
The “why” is definitely important. You can try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and think about how you would react in that situation – but, unless you share their past and their motivations, your reaction might be very different.
Understanding why someone has behaved in a certain way would certainly help with the forgiveness angle (though I have to say, I’d want a bit of reassurance that they’d learned from their mistakes and would try not to repeat that behaviour).
Dumping at the altar is a tough one. I’d agree with Nicola in that you handled it beautifully with Alekos and Kelly, showing us why the past happened as it did. (I felt much less sympathy for Hugh Grant’s character in “Four Weddings and a Funeral”…!)
I don’t know if there is anything I would say I could *never* forgive, although of course it might be really hard–and as Ros said, you might forgive without staying together. I agree with you, Sarah, that unless you’re in someone’s shoes you don’t know what’s really motivating them. Never say never! I’m now thinking of Liz Lemon’s ‘that’s a dealbreaker, ladies!’ on 30 Rock
. I’m really looking forward to reading your book–it’s on my Kindle!
Sarah,
This was a very good book. I loved their story. Would you believe that I understood Alekos’ actions once we got to know him and could see why Kelly would forgive him.
But, I have to say what bothered me was that he left Kelly (a young woman) to deal with the fallout — the media, papparazzi, etc… For whatever reason it didn’t occur to him that she would have to deal with those issues besides facing the fact that she’d been jilted.
He could have jilted her but still had “his people” deal wtih the media. He failed to do that in that way failed to protect Kelly.
Lidia, I’m glad you enjoyed the book and it’s interesting to hear that you also believe that the ‘why’ can have an impact on how we perceive the ‘what’.
You’re right that ideally Alekos should have protected Kelly from the media. The fact that he didn’t was an indication of the depth of his own trauma and feelings at the time. In a crisis it’s fairly common to focus on the immediate – fight or flight I suppose – and that’s what Alekos was doing. He was removing himself from that situation. I think the fact that he didn’t arrange for someone else to deal with the media was all part of the same reaction – he wasn’t thinking clearly at that point.
You raise an interesting point (you always raise interesting points Lidia!) because although his behaviour was undeniably less than perfect, I think it was also human. Even though he is very alpha, Alekos is an honourable man – he demonstrates that repeatedly as he struggles to understand Kelly. But in real life good people sometimes behave badly, and sometimes that is motivated by thoughtlessness rather than intent, as in this case. As a writer, it is those contradictory aspects of someone’s character that I love exploring.
They must be a pretty forgiving soul to be able to absolve being jilted at the altar. I don’t think I could ever forgive that, especially with the added issue of the media fallout. It’s bad enough when your friends and family pity you, but when it’s exasperated by paparazzi? That’s hard to forget, but maybe that’s just me being cynical.
The only reason I could forgive this transgression is if it was something major, like he was hit by a passing motorbike on his way to the church and thus was hospitalized so absolutely could not make it.
I read something similar before, though the heroine was the one who jilted the groom. The hero took her back, not out of forgiveness, but out of revenge from the hurt he still felt after the time they spent apart. They work out their differences and eventually he forgives, but I still feel like that’s a pretty great crime, that no matter the reasons behind it, it’s hard to forgive and forget.
Of course, I’ll still be reading this! Maybe I’ll be able to forgive Alekos as well. There better be some major groveling involved
Emma, I actually agree that it’s a pretty great crime and the fallout for Kelly was even worse because of the paparazzi. She doesn’t forgive him just because she’s a forgiving soul, but because she gradually comes to understand what drove him to take such drastic action. First time around their relationship was a real whirlwind. This time round they are forced to try and understand each other and that’s quite a challenge because they are so different. And yes, there is some serious grovelling along the way for poor Alekos who is forced to confront a number of uncomfortable truths.
I’d be interested to know whether you can forgive him once you’ve read the book
Kate and Kate – ( it’s tricky having two Kate’s posting one after the other, especially when both surnames begin with H)
KH1 – I agree with your comments about Hugh Grant in 4 weddings – I haven’t watched the film for a while but I don’t think we learn much about why he is so commitment shy, do we? I certainly don’t remember feeling much sympathy for him.
KH2 – you’re right, none of us know what we’d forgive until we’re in that situation. Then we discover our own ‘dealbreaker’