by Kimberly Lang, author of The Millionaire’s Misbehaving Mistress (Harlequin Presents, Oct. 2009)
“We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous, and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.” – Miss Manners, Judith Martin
That, my blog friends, is the quote that inspired The Millionaire’s Misbehaving Mistress.
I’m fascinated by etiquette (maybe it’s because I’m Southern): the protocol, the fancy forks, the seating charts… Yeah, I read a lot of Miss Manners’ books just for fun. I’m strange that way. (Hey, it’s a hobby, right?)
So, one day while I was catching up on my seating chart protocol – just in case I ever host a dinner where I had both a former President and a member of the royal family present – I happened across this quote. From it, Evie was born.
Now Evie isn’t the heroine of this book – Gwen, the Dallas-based etiquette expert called Miss Behavior, is the misbehaving mistress of the title. It’s Gwen’s story, but it really started with Evie, the hero’s little sister, who is charming, fresh, and spontaneous, and therefore, completely unsuited to participate in Dallas high society. My hero suddenly finds himself to be Evie’s guardian, and all the Alpha Hero traits in the world couldn’t prepare him for life with a precocious teenager. That’s how Gwen comes into the story.
I don’t think starting new book idea with a secondary character is normal – and I certainly don’t recommend it – but it just goes to show that book ideas are everywhere and you never know what’s going to give you that spark you need to write characters you love.
Gwen herself is the result of my fascination with etiquette, so there’s definitely a little bit of me in her – or maybe it’s the other way around? We certainly share a few etiquette pet peeves — cell phones at the table, interrupting, not writing thank-you notes – and we both believe manners are what make civilization possible. Unlike me, though, Gwen knows all the rules – but then she finds herself in a situation where breaking them sounds like a really fabulous idea.
Will and Gwen and Evie made me laugh, and I had so much fun writing this book. I’m beyond excited it’s finally on the shelves and everyone will get to know this trio. I hope they make you smile as well.
Now, just for fun (and in honor of Gwen) tell me your biggest etiquette-related pet peeve. Folks who don’t RSVP? Line jumpers? Paper napkins?
Kimberly
Hi Kimberly,
The Millionaire’s Misbehaving Mistress sounds like fun! Who doesn’t like to read about proper ladies unwinding with a lovely hero?
I learned a lot about the woes of no-RSVPing this summer — both my brother and a couple friends of mine got married and with all the weddings, parties and showers, they spent so much time tracking down people who didn’t RSVP! They even had the cards with pre-addressed envelopes, multiple phone numbers and email address to contact. Are people just lazy or what?
My own pet-peeve (not sure if it’s etiquette-related though) is people who walk slowly in front of me and take up the whole sidewalk so I can’t pass. Even worse if they’re smoking while doing it and I can’t escape. Yuck.
~Amy
Kim, Will, Grace and Evie’s story made me laugh too, and cry and hyperventilate and… well you get the picture. Loved it, what a fabulous debut novel.
Now to pet peeves, well smoking in my face would definitely count. My Dad had a great rejoiner for that when he was getting a lift in Texas many years ago and the man driving the car asked ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ To which my dad replied, ‘Not at all, as long as you don’t exhale.’
But my absolute biggest pet peeve is people who leave their mobiles on in the cinema, or even worse at the theatre. And I’m glad to report that Hugh Jackman feels the same way. At the opening night of his new play, which he is starring in with Daniel Craig on broadway no less, someone’s phone in the front row went off in the middle of a monologue. Apparently he looked daggers at them and then said dryly, ‘Do you want to get that?’ So wish I’d been there to see that cretin humiliated…. I mean honestly!! Shootings too good for them. See, really big pet peeve, huge in fact!!
Heidi xx
Hi Kimberly!
I’m going out after lunch to find your book. I had no idea you read etiquette books for fun. So do I. My current favorite in the 1942 edition of Emily Post that I bought in an antique store. There is a chapter called “Popularity, Fraternity House Party, and Commencement”–and it just gets better.
Though the list is long and the positions are ever changing, currently my biggest pet peeve is the little cards in wedding invitations that tell where the couple is registered.
Jean
Amy — I’d say sidewalk hogging counts as an etiquette peeve. After all, they are being rude! And RSVP-ing (and the lack thereof) seems to be an epidemic. How can I plan how much food I need if I don’t know who’s coming? Argh!
Heidi — Cell phones in movies are a nightmare. Go Hugh Jackman! When I was teaching, it was a huge problem to have students’ phones ringing all the time, but the worst would be when they’d actually answer the call!
Registry cards — Jean, I’m right there with you. So is Miss Manners. I don’t care what the registry folks say. We know you want a wedding present, so don’t look so greedy! (Although I did receive a wedding invitation that included a cover charge for dinner. I protested by not attending — but I did RSVP my regrets!
)
Oh Jean, yes. Anything that says, “Go buy me something,” is a huge etiquette faux pas in my opinion. It’s probably done in the name of trying to keep things simple, but it really just screams tacky to me.
I also agree with Heidi. People who are told to turn off cell phones and then don’t do it. And of course they receive a call in the middle of the talk, show, movie, concert, whatever. Truly, truly annoying.
But probably my biggest pet peeve, and I suppose this wouldn’t really appear in an etiquette book, are rude drivers. Those people who stay in the left lane and drive at glacial speeds. The ones who won’t get out of the left lane into the clear right lane when you are sitting in the center and trying to merge into traffic. The ones who weave while talking on the phone. The ones who text message as if it’s their God-given right to endanger your life while they answer the burning question “R U getting fried chckn 2nite?”
Grr.
You see now Lynne, you’ve got me going too.
Rude drivers, I hate them too and we have quite a lot of them here in London and for some reason they all drive white vans or SUVs!! No just kidding on that last bit. But honestly, the amount of people who when you let them into a line of traffic or stop for them to go first down a single lane street and then don’t bother to thank you.
Obviously never read a darn etiquette book in their lives, more’s the pity!!
Oh goodie someone else who reads etiquette books for fun. There is something about an etiquette book that brings a period to life. I love Mrs Beacon and even earlier. My Emily Post was my grandmother’s and dates from the 1930s. It is wonderful for detailing At Homes etc. but I digress.
A pet peeve of mine is queue jumping. People barge past you, pretending not to have seen the line patiently forming or who ask if you wouldn’t mind. Actually I do mind as I do have a life!
ANd I did see the HughJackman/Daniel Craig clip which was brilliant. There are reasons why I sit in the quiet carriage when travelling on the train. Do I really want to know a person’s life story or latest news, and in particular to hear it 20 times over in a single journey?
I hope paper napkins aren’t that big a deal. We eat off paper plates most of the time at home. (but I’ve been to Kimberly’s house and she does indeed use cloth napkins)
Definitely RSVPing is an issue for me and people who don’t turn off their cell phones when appropriate. And pretty much any situation with people who don’t think the rules apply to them. They must just be better than the rest of us mere mortals.
So excited about the Misbehaving Mistress! Congratulations.
Kimberly has enlightened me on so many ettiquete points. As a wedding attendee, providing someone with registry information is helpful because I don’t have to spend a bunch of time and energy wondering what they might like. She also informed me that noting “no gifts, please” is rude because it implies gifts on some level.
I will be incapable of throwing a wedding without her assistance.
My personal peeve has to be the RSVP thing. How hard is it to tell someone you can’t come? Or to let the hostess know if you have to change it after the fact. Its an alien process. I don’t know how many things I’ve planned where hardly anyone RSVPd, then they all showed up, or they did RSVP, then didn’t show up. Why is this such a difficult concept to grasp?
I’m also big on line jumpers. Civilized people stand patiently in line, in the order in which they arrived, and they procede to the area in question in a calm, respectable manner. They do not cut, push, rush past, or ignore the line entirely. This is why I do not do well at theme parks or shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I get loud.
I’m so excited about your book, Kimberly! I’ve been waiting for this one!
My biggest peeve right now – texting. I text, but I do it on my own time. Not while I’m driving, talking on the phone, in a movie, at a dinner or play or whatever … If your life is so important that you must constantly text, I believe you must constantly STAY OUT of restaurants, movies, theaters, concerts, automobiles and STAY IN your home – where you can text without the interference of the rest of the human race.
Line jumping, rude drivers, texting, cell phones — it’s the sense of entitlement that peeves me. Like their time is somehow more valuable than mine. And it’s just plain rude – the very definition of bad manners!
More people who read etiquette books for fun!?! Wow, I thought I was alone in my little hobby. I’m not saying I take *everything* to heart, but I do try my best.
Angel and Smarty Pants make me sound like some kind of etiquette nazi — I do use cloth napkins (but they’re better for the environment!) and yes, any and all mentions of gift-giving are to be avoided at all costs.
Another peeve that ties in with RSVPing — when you invite 1 person and they RSVP with “oh, yeah, my cousin and her kids are in town, I’ll bring them along too!” Or worse, they just show up with all those extra people with no warning at all!
Oooh…don’t get me started, Kim!
I went through a lack of RSVP manners late last year and it still leaves me shaking my head.
You arrange an event.
You send out invites.
With an RSVP date.
Which means people should say if they’re coming or not, right?
Astounding when they don’t reply.
I think they all need a session with your Miss Behaviour
Kim, great post and *so* love that cover!!!
Y’know what peeves me? A person who eats with their mouth pretty much open and/or (once the meal is laid before them) doesn’t lift their attention from the plate – like the rest of the world suddenly no longer exists. If you want to eat that way in private, who cares, right? But in a social setting it makes me clench my teeth. Worse, because it bugs me so much, I can’t help looking at them not noticing anyone else. I think it’s a girl thing
Robbie
I use a walker to get around. It’s amazing how many people won’t move so you can get around them. Or they practically run me down because I am slow. I am not one of those people who uses their disability to take advantage of people but I wish they could understand you can’t squeeze a walker through a tight space.
Kim, I can’t stand people who line up behind in a queue and then push, nudge, jostle and otherwise stand so close behind you can just about hear their hair grow, all because they seem to think that they’re somehow going to get to the front of the queue quicker.
If there’s four people in front, it doesn’t matter how they get to each other, it’s still four people to be served. Right?
How is it that some people don’t get that?
Kimberly,
What fun–I love it! Okay, definitely RSVPs.
Specifically the subcategory of people telling you they will be there and then simply not showing up. Agghghhg. Invariably it’s the person you’ve had to make some kind of special accommodation for as well–and later you find out they were home watching “COPS”. Yes. I’ve a specific example in mind, lol!
Can’t wait for midnight to roll around so Kindle will deliver your book!!
Congrats!!
Mira
Gerat post, Kim! As for peeves – mine this morning is people who don’t bother to say thanks when you wait in a traffic-calmed road to let them come through. Actually, add people who can’t be bothered even to text thanks for birthday gifts (my kids are the only ones in the family who write thank-you notes. But as I put it to them, if someone goes to the effort of sending them a gift, the very least they can do is let that person know that it arrived and say thanks).
Actually, don’t get me started *g*. I’m full of cold this morning, and grumpy with it!
What a delicious premise for a story. It’s a shame that the word “etiquette” often summons up images of straight-laced strictures placed there for no particular reason. Rules for the sake of rules. If we replaced it with “consideration” then maybe people wouldn’t be so thoughtless.
I loathe seeing litter dropped – with the exception of apple-cores in a meadow.
Sharon x
ps. By the way – did you ever receive the DC photo I mailed to your website?
The incident that comes to mind for me is the reverse. I was entering the library, and what with a million things on my mind and the kids all over the place, my head was in a different space. I saw an old guy coming towards me. I immediately got out of the way for him, just about killing myself to step over the potted plants either side of the door to not be in his way. As he passed, he said sarcastically: “Thank you for holding the door open for me.”
I felt absolutely horribly awful, because really, I should have held the door for him but it literally just didn’t occur to me. Surely, instead of making me feel like shit, he could just have stopped, smiled and said: “Can you open the door for me, pet?” I’d have falled over myself to do it, but instead he had to choose to give me a complex for the rest of my life.
I still feel terrible for not holding the door for him.
One of my pet peeves is when you’re driving and you let someone in and they don’t say thanks.
Although, I have to agree with all the other comments about RSVPs – how rude not to let a hostess know if you’re attending (or not) the function you’ve been invited to!
BTW – I really enjoyed your Misbehaving book
Supermarket line jumpers most definitely (although I’m happy to let people go in front if they have only one thing, and I have a load).
I, and a lot of other people, were well and truly peeved off at a recent buffet luncheon when a friend married into The County Aristocracy.
All her side really love their food, and have hearty country appetites. In advance the bride instructed us all, time after time, that there were to be NO piled plates, NO return visits to the tables and cutlery WOULD be used. Stewards would call up each table in turn to shuffle sedately down the line of dishes.
Some hope! The groom’s posh relatives all charged the buffet tables en masse the moment serving began. Everything disappeared in seconds, and the ultra posh people weren’t averse to using their hands instead of the serving spoons. Our reputation had obviously gone before us…
Reading this book RIGHT NOW Kimberly! Well, not this second as I can’t type and read at the same time, and that would be rude, splitting my focus in that way when I ought to be concentrating on you, right?
Love, love, loving it. Such, such fun.
Dear Kimberly,
As a mum with a pram, the whole taking up the shopping centre aisle thing makes steam pour from my ears. Is jamming someone accidentally in the back of the heel with a pram wheel uncouth?
Mad Mum
AKA Ally Blake
RSVPs – hmmm, seems to be a common peeve. You’d think that if we’re close enough for me to invite you to something, you’d like me enough to make my life easier. COPS, Mira? Seriously? Oh, my, dog…
Robbie — table manners. The current battle in my household. Obviously everyone in the school lunchroom eats like swine at a trough and it’s rubbing off on my child…
Linda — hit them. (Just don’t tell them I said so. Practice your best “Oh, so sorry!” so it doesn’t look like you’re trying to teach them a lesson.)
Trish — don’t you know that the line moves faster if you make the people in front of you move forward a step? Scientific fact.
Kate and Joanne — the friendly wave takes no time at all. What’s so hard about that? (and Joanne, so glad you liked it!)
Anita, you get a pass from me. You tried and he shouldn’t have been rude in response.
Sharon, you’re 100% right. They’re not rules for no reason at all — manners make it possible for people to live together without killing each other. Golden rule and all that! (And I just checked the filter and found the photo! Don’t know how it got caught… Thanks!)
Christina — see my earlier statement about swine at a trough. I guess it’s not limited to my local elementary school…
Ally’s reading my book! ~preens~ Because of that, you may certainly ram people with your pram. (But like Linda, just practice that oh-so-sincere “apology”. I’m Southern; I can give lessons… )
I love that y’all are as keen on this topic as I am!
What a delight!. Love this post, Kim, and all the amusing comments. Can’t wait to get hold of that book! Still laughing about Christina’s wedding story. Imagine being warned by the bride not to pile your plate too high! Wouldn’t work on my family anyway.
WEddings seem to invite etiquette disasters.
I have a couple of miniscule peeves. People who (present company– especially the lovely Kim– certainly NOT included) invite people to visit their blogs, then ignore those who do.
We interrupt our busy work days to devise charming comments for them, check our spelling is perfect, and they don’t bother to respond or acknowledge anyone’s little message in any way. Not that day on the blog page, or any time in the future.
They just post their stuff, then swan away with nary a backward glance, leaving the discussion to the little people.
It’s like going to a party and being ignored by the hostess.
And yay to Trish for bringing up the queue sweaters who breathe down your neck. There’s something so discomforting about having your personal space invaded in that aggressive way.
Add to that people in queues who tower over you at the same time!
A very good reason to always wear your five inch stilettos to the bakery.
cheers
anna
~makes BIG note to self about always responding to comments~
And I wear stilettos whenever I can.
Umm, now I’ve just realised I called your heroine Grace when her name’s Gwen!! See I have the worst memory for names in the known universe.
Which can cause some serious lapses in etiquette I can tell you. Nothing more embarrassing than getting introduced to someone and then having to ask them their name two seconds later!!
Anna, amen on the blog comments! That one really gets me. If you’re going to post a blog, ask people to comment, then you need to respond! I respond to all my commenters. It’s rude not to.
“Like going to a party and being ignored by the hostess.” I love that — and it’s so true.
Girls, I’ll come right out with a confession: I sent a “where we’re registered” card in my wedding invitation when I was a bride a decade ago. Looking back, I guess that was a bit tacky. But in my defense, we were moving across the country the very next day, which would have made returning any gifts quite impossible.
And just to dig myself in a little deeper …to be honest, I personally love it when I receive those those cards in other people’s wedding invitations. It makes shopping for them so much easier. I am not one of those women who can come up with incredibly thoughtful, creative, brilliant gifts on my own. It’s not one of my talents. I just want to purchase the gift (online, if possible) and be done with it – in 30 seconds or less. I’ll spend far more time wrapping it, which I find way more creative and fun.
BTW, Anida, that man was really obnoxious. Don’t feel guilty another second. Truly. Forget about it – as I’m sure he forgot about it a long time ago. As I read in some etiquette book a long time ago (nice topic, Kim!),
“A true lady (or in this case, gentleman) never takes offense where none was meant.”
The man was probably grumpy about something else and saw a chance to take his anger out on an innocent victim, i.e. you.
Jennie
Heidi, on the names challenge–What about people you’ve been acquainted with for ten years? You meet them somewhere after a bit of a gap and rack your brains for a name without success. Its so distressing to both parties!
How long can you keep a conversation going without referring to the other person by name?
I’ve done this and come away feeling mortified with shame.
(blushing now)
anna
Now in Jennie’s defence I have to say that we didn’t really have a proper wedding. We eloped to New York and then threw a big party when we got back which we called our ‘Wedding without the boring bits’ and it didn’t even occur to us that people would get us wedding presents… So we didn’t do the card thingy… And you have no idea how many flipping soap dishes and toothbrush dispensers and bottles of malt whisky we ended up with (not to mention that it gave us both a complex for years… why was everyone buying us hygiene products and alcohol!!)
And Anna, yeah, I’ve had the old delayed name recognition syndrome too. Through the whole six years of my son’s primary school I talked to the same group of mums at the school gate just about every day and could never remember any of their names… Nightmare! Try asking someone their name after you’ve know them for years and talk to them almost every day.
Loved the book. Definitely a keeper.
Oh, I’m terrible with names. I think everyone should wear name tags all the time! I guess the flip side is that I’m never offended when people forget mine.
Those little registry cards are really pushed by the registry folks. I had one invite that had four or five cards in it. ~tsk~ But, some folks do see it as a kindness (like Andrea), but honestly, if I like you enough to buy you a present and come to your wedding, I shouldn’t have a problem calling your mom and asking where you’re registered. (I really object to links to the registry from wedding websites, though.) Jennie, since you were young, we’ll give you a pass.
And thanks, Erin. I’m tickled you enjoyed it!
Kimberly, I read your book today and LOVED Will, Gwen, and Evie! I truly felt as if I knew them…I love it when that happens!
Trenda
Thanks Trenda. Glad you liked it!
I’m thinking you guys all live in Utopia!
The North American city I live in – WELL! Drivers don’t move on a green light because pedestrians are walking against said light. It’s not safe to walk in a crosswalk because most drivers don’t stop! A person has to wait and make sure that dirver is going to stop. People stroll through crosswalks while chatting on their cell phones. They also have phone conversations while they’re shopping for groceries and in the line-ups. Do I care if the lump was above or below the eye? No! And then there are the bikers! They’re all just waiting to sue private insurance companies. We drive very carefully here. Oh, and then there’s the no-scent policy. Perfume is definitely OUT!!
RSVP ettique pales in comparison.
But I have to buy your book, Kimberley, because despite these silly pet peeves, it sounds like fun.
AP, I have to ask… where do you live?
I’ve committed a serious breach in etiquette by arriving so late, but better late than never (I think). I agree with Kate about thank you notes – when I’ve taken trouble to choose a gift and they don’t acknowledge it, that really fries my bacon (thanks to Lynn for lending me that perfect phrase). And yes, I hate it when you let a driver in and he (it is usually a he, don’t you find?) doesn’t say thank you. Great post, Kimberly. Anyway, I’m off now. Thank you for having me
And thank you for coming Sarah.
I live in Canada, Kimberley. It really is a great city with lots of art and culture. It’s just that the pedestrian is king! C’est la vie.
I’m going to pick your book up when I’m out today! Can’t wait to read about Will and Gwen. A