by Suzanne Clarke, Editor
Firstly, a great big thank you to all of you who took the time to enter the Harlequin Presents writing contest. We are thrilled that there are so many aspiring writers out there who want to write for Presents, and from your comments, we know how much you would value feedback.
However, as you know, we are unfortunately unable to respond individually to you all, but, even if your entry does not receive specific comments, our advice is to look at this as one more step on the journey that all aspiring writers must make! And to help you on your way, here’s some general feedback on the most common problem areas we found, to watch out for in future when creating your all-important first chapter!
• Too much, too soon! It’s tempting, and especially in a contest where you want your chapter to shine, to pack in too much and explain everything. We found that some first chapters were filled with backstory and narrative, rather than the writer drawing in the reader with strong character development and plenty of sparky hero-heroine interaction and dialogue, giving us the sense of the emotional conflict to come. The writer needs to get the reader to where they want to be as soon as possible – that electric moment when hero meets heroine and the story begins!
• Plot before character. You may have a really exciting plot that you are sure will wow the reader! But the secret is – the reader really cares about your main characters. Who they are, where they have come from, where they are going, what drives them, how they will affect and change the other. I’m talking about layers – emotional layers for the characters to peel away to the vulnerability at each character’s core! Your stories should be driven by your main characters – too often, they – and their emotional conflict – can get lost beneath a dramatic plot or just day-to-day life! Focus on strong character development and build the plot around them!
• Inside out? Building a strong, believable conflict between your hero and heroine is key, and again, the secret lies in the strength of your characters. We saw a lot of external conflict, where the hero and heroine had issues with everyone and everything else except each other! We saw conflicts that went round and round in arguments. We saw no real conflict at all! Without a strong emotional conflict between the hero and heroine, the reader won’t be drawn into your story. Look deep into your characters – what are their emotional motivations and how do they affect the growing relationship with each other – and you should be on the right track.
• Hot under the collar! Presents is high sensuality, but the sex scenes always needs an emotional context. Sex without emotion is just sex and can leave your reader cold. There were a number of entries where the hero and heroine got horizontal so quickly their feet didn’t touch the ground (even making us blush!) – but there was no development of character and emotional conflict! Hot it up with intense emotional development to sweep the reader along with your characters’ uncontrollable desire – otherwise you may be writing another type of story altogether!
• A friend in need… Secondary characters can do wonderful things, but they need to know their place (or rather, you need to know theirs!). Too often, we saw secondary characters playing too big a part in the chapters, when we wanted the hero and heroine to be alone together as soon as possible – only then do things really get moving! Look at what your secondary character’s function within the story is. One or two more important ones can help move the story along in places, but in general, always be careful about how much your story has to rely on them!
• There’s no place like home… The Presents reader wants to be transported to a world of fantasy that also feels believable. Many entrants tended to set their stories in small towns when we wanted to be swept along with the heroine into the hero’s sophisticated world of wealth, power and impeccable taste!
• Right on target! Yes, there were a few entries that were not aimed at Presents. Make sure you are targeting your story to the series promise – alpha-male heroes, glamorous settings – international affairs, seduction and passion guaranteed!
So these were some of the most common issues we found, and we hope that if you recognise any of the above in your first chapter, then you can take these learnings forward into the development of a new story! We also recommend reading through all the workshop articles posted on iheartpresents before the contest was launched, and again, read through your entry and see where you might have gone off down the wrong path. If you can look honestly at your chapter and identify why it may not have grabbed the reader’s attention, don’t beat yourself up about it, but instead recognise that you have learned something truly valuable that you can take forward into the future.
The truth is, if your first chapter doesn’t hook the reader, you may have a hard job convincing them to read on… So go ahead and create two fabulous new characters – and get a spanking-new submission into our waiting unsolicited pile!
Mail your hard-copy submission – a synopsis and first three chapters – to Harlequin Mills & Boon Ltd, Eton House, 18-24 Paradise Road, Richmond, Surrey TW9 1SR ENGLAND. Don’t forget to enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Good luck!
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A massive thank you to everyone who contributed to this invaluable advice. As an aspiring author to get feedback that you can apply directly to your work is fantastic. My story is evolving all the time and I know this will really help.
One question – were there any particular comments you could attribute to those who aimed at the Modern Heat line.
Once again, many thanks,
Susieq
Thanks heaps for those insightful comments about the entries. I’d also love to hear a little more about the entries aimed at Modern Heat.
And, please put us out of our misery – have all who are going to hear any feedback heard by now??
Cheers
RACH!
Thanks for all of the tips. I shall be looking over my entry to see where I went wrong. I know that I do have a problem with filtering in backstory and telling rather than showing.
So much to learn
Chris.
Thanks Suzanne. It’s good to know what we can do to imrove. I look forward to reading more of your advice and also the winning entries.
Claudia.
Thanks, Suzanne for taking the time to give us some feedback. I’ll have to go back over my manuscript now and see where it got off track. I, too, would like to know if all feedback/request letters have been sent.
Thanks again for your time and for holding this contest. It was a great opportunity.
Sue
Thanks again, its always good to receive encouragement and support. I’m going to have to ask here if somebody could please tell me, is Presents in America = Modern in UK?
I feel my entry was aimed more at Modern Heat, I had assumed this was Presents. I’d be grateful if someone reading this might clear it up for me. Thanks so much.
I’m going to strip my manuscript, acquire a fresh outlook and go!
All the best,
Aideen.
Thank you for this information Suzanne- the more we know, the better our writing can be! I have learned so much in the weeks since sending in my competition entry that I know when I rewrite it will be a stronger more emotionally involving story, and hopefully I will have eradicated some of the faults you listed that I know were there in my first chapter.
I too would like to add to the chorus of requests- would it be possible to be told when all the letters requesting a full manuscript or giving personal feedback have been sent? I have heard of a couple of entrants who have received one, but haven’t quite stopped hoping yet. It would be good to know when to stop dreaming of getting some positive reinforcement, as mugging the postman daily and checking my email hourly is such a distraction from getting on with writing!
Hi all – just wanted to say I’m glad the feedback has been helpful to you! Some of you are asking about general feedback for Modern Heat entries – while most of the comments above would still apply, I’ll be posting further comments specific to Modern Heat, so watch this space!
To everyone asking about whether all individual feedback has been sent: we are still working our way through the remaining entries so if you could just bear with us a little longer – we will of course let you know once all correspondence has been sent out.
Best wishes
Suzanne
Thanks Suzanne, at least then we’ll know when to stop stalking the mailman
Chris.
LOL Chris, glad I’m not the only one out there!
Thanks for letting us know Suzanne- I really appreciate the fantastic learning experience this contest and the follow-up posts have been so much- its been a fabulous (and free as someone else commented!) insider course in romance writing.
No Mulberry I’m sure we’re not the only two out there waiting for the mail. Hope you hear something soon.
Chris.
Suzanne
Thanks for answering those questions. I too have been lurking by the postbox and email for a disproportionate amount of the day….that’s the problem with hope it doesn’t know when to give up and move on to the next chapter!
Susieq
Thanks heaps Suzanne and looking forward to the Modern Heat comments!
Received a letter in the mail yesterday from Tessa offering feedback on my chapter.
If you’re reading this Tessa, thank you for your constructive comments and advice they’re very much appreciated. I’m thrilled to know that my writing shows promise and that I have an engaging writing voice
Chris.
Aideen – yep, Presents in America = Modern in the UK = Sexy (I think) in Australia. We also have Modern Heat in the UK which I *think* is Presents Extra in the US. Hope helps.
Chris – Hooray on receiving feedback from Tessa!
I’d been keeping my fingers crossed so phew that I can uncross them now. 
ChrisM
Congratulations…..what a great boost to recieve a letter like that….I look forward to hearing the next stage of your writing career too!!
Susieq
Thanks Susieq. Yes I was delighted to receive such positive comments from Tessa. I’m all fired up to submit something now.
There’s still time for more requests and feedback letters. Here’s hoping that someone else who has been posting on this board receives encouragment too.
Thanks again Sue.
Chris.
Congratulations, Chris! That’s absolutely awesome!!
Thanks Lynn.
I’m 3,000 words into a new story that I started yesterday. This one seems to be flowing. I’ve put aside the chapter that I entered in the contest. I need to add another layer of conflict to really make it work.
This story has been buzzing around in my brain for quite a while.
How’s yours going? Well I hope.
I was hoping that they’d have Eve or Dani’s entry up today.
Chris.
Hope the writing continues to flow, Chris!
Thanks Mulberry. Just hit the 5,000 mark. Don’t you just love it when a stroy flows. Of course I’m sure there’ll be a lot of editing. I’m try a new technique by resisting the urge to edit as I go. So far it seems to be working. In the past I’ve had to have each paragraph just as perfect as I can get it before I can move on!
I still have my fingers crossed for you
Chris.
My my, Chris! Fantastic news to hear that you’ve had word from Tessa. Congratulations, it must be exciting to get feedback out of 600 entries. I hope that it gave you inspiration, or gave your muse a kick up the rear to get that story back on the road towards completion!
And well done starting a new story. I’ve finished one since the comp, and had the courage to send it in last week. I think it’s wonderful to have constructive criticism posted on this blog; so happy i chanced across it over the new year
I must say, everyone here is so encouraging and friendly. Thank you to all. Best of luck to anyone else hoping to get feedback in the mail (who wouldn’t?) I’m also darting out to the letter box as soon as i hear the postie’s motorbike cruise past.
Kind regards,
Madeline
Wow Chris, that must have been the highlight of your week!
And the fact that you have almost completed a chapter of another book really is brilliant. Wow again. 
The minute these common writing problems were posted, I knew I had lost all hope:
Major secondary character? Tick
Backstory? Tick
Sex without the correct emotional conflict? Tick
Not enough layering of hero/heroine? Tick
And true to my conceit, I have done absolutely nothing with my writing since Feb 14th, other than wait, wait, wait. And then cry me a river.
What I really need to do is to join a critique group, but I am not sure such an animal exists here in the UK. I have looked on the internet, looked at my local library (Birmingham area), even wrote in desperation to M&B, but have got nowhere.
And without this non-biased help, I am not sure I am ever going to progress any further. In fact, this competition was the first I had even seen, and when I have read all the comments on this site, there seems to be a very strong support network in the USA for all of us wannabe’s.
However, with the exception of the RNA (and even that is closed to unpublished authors for this year), I’m not sure the same level of enthusiasm exists over here.
Perhaps someone out there could put me straight?
Hi Merbet,
if you can’t find a critique group locally don’t despair. Here in Aust (in conjunction with RW New Zealand) we have a critique partner register. You’d need to join our RWA, but critiquing experience isn’t necessary and (apparently– I haven’t gone this route as I’m lucky enough to be part of a face to face group) all you need to do is fill out a registration form and they’ll match you with several people for a test run to see who you click with.
I’m sure there are other similar schemes elsewhere, perhaps even in the UK. Emailing really does help to shrink the world down to a friendly size, so distance doesn’t have to be a drawback.
Good luck finding some writing support.
Robyn
Thanks for that Suzanne. I can’t wait to see the Modern Heat comments.
Thanks Madeline. It was/is exciting to have feedback on my entry. I’ve put it aside as it needs an extra layer of conflict. Sometimes I find it easier to start a new story keeping in mind the editor’s advice. I think once I know what I’m doing right I’ll be able to re-visit that story and perhaps re-write with that extra layer that it needs.
Good luck with your submission and congratulations on sending it off.
Thanks Merbet. Yes it was the highlight of my year
Over on the HM&B website there’s a board where you can look for a critique partner. I don’t know if you’ve visited the site yet. There is also a Presents thread where a few of the Presents authors pop in. They are always so helpful with answering questions, offering support and advice. It’s a great place to hang out and learn about the line too. You can find it under the Simply Series tab.
Chris.
Hi Chris, is the board on the UK Mills and Boon site or the US Harlequin site?
Also just wanted to say congrats on getting some feedback from the editor – at least you know you are on the right track now. I re-read my 1st chapter and cringed (I think I was probably in the slush pile) – so many typos and just nonsense in general! But you live and learn so I take it as a useful lesson and say onwards and upwards!!
Hi Clarisa, Thanks.
The wed site is the US Harlequin site. It’s a great place to hang out and learn. They have the Submission care board, Struggling writer’s etc. Just go to the Forums and click on The Write Stuff for sub care, and Simply Series tab for the Presents board.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. We’ve all been there
I find fault every time I re read something.
Chris.
I would like to second Chris- I joined th e-Harlequin community- and it is brilliant- so supportive and welcoming!
Once I have bashed (oops, did I say bashed, I meant lovingly nurtured of course) my current story into a bit more shape, I will be heading to the right section there to find a critique partner.
Merbert,
Since the competition I have joined three associations that all have great support for new writers and major competitions! I’m based in Australia (though I’m English) and I have joined:
Romance Writers of Australia (Annual Valerie Parv award offering mentorship and a MS read by an editor)
Romance Novelist Association in the UK (Runs a great New Writer Scheme where you submit a full MS. Closed for this year but will open at the end of the year. They take 250 new writers a year)
and of course RWA in America.
I too think a critique partner may be my next step. Maybe she would have picked up the typo, that I am mortified to say was in my email header!!!!!!!
Good luck everyone…..these boards are so friendly and helpful…it’s great.
Susieq
Thanks to everyone for the inspirational advice. You gals are brilliant. *ehugs*
Susieq: You and I must be redressing the balance here. I’m based in England (though I’m Australian).
The main problem with the RNA’s new writer’s scheme is that it requires a complete MS, and at the moment, I need advice on my first forays into the writing world. I’m just not ready yet for that big a leap.
Particularly now that I have read Dani’s comments on why her book is not really Presents material. I have realised that I totally need to rethink my ideas about my own writing style, and the line for which it is best suited.
However, I will look around and join anything I can.
If there are any other UK-based gals out there who would like to consider a face-to-face group, perhaps we can work something out?
Thanks Chris. I’ll check out the site. I’m still learning so I need all the tips and info I can get my hands on!
Hi merbet- I’m Australian based in the UK too. I hoped to join the RNA’s New Writer scheme this year, as it certainly would have motivated me to get one story edited properly, but I missed out. The places fill early, so if you do want to go for it next year, aim to apply by the end of January (you don’t have to send the story in until August). I am hoping to go to the RNA Conference this year (I’m skipping lunch or taking a cheap packed lunch from home rather than buying yummy but expensive M&S sandwiches to get the fee together- maybe I’ll lose some weight too!). Kate Walker’s blog is another site worth checking- she is UK based, writes for Presents, and teaches Romance Writing workshops- she has a new Guide to Romance Wrting out now too (I’m still impatiently waiting for Amazon to sned my copy). She is very generous with loads of excellent writing advice on her blog.